Understandably Inappropriate

With my grandpa's death last week, I encountered a whole new aspect of parenting a four and a half-year-old--explaining death.

I wanted to talk to Claudia about the funeral before we went. Claudia had some expected questions about death, like "how do people die?" or "why do people die?" I tried my best to answer her questions honestly and age appropriately. I was actually surprised by her ready acceptance of my answers without fear. She thoughtful about what I was saying to her, but in the end it did not seem like "big deal" to her.

This isn't to say that she did have some moments of, shall we say, "insensitivity." For example the night that I found out that my grandpa died Scott had picked Claudia up from school and talked to her about it on the way home. When she walked in the door she said her "hellos" and then said, "Mom, you remember that you grandpa died?" I couldn't help it, I started to cry and told her, "yes, it hadn't slipped my mind."

She had another question for us after the funeral while we were taking the short drive to the cemetery. We were piled in the car and I was upset after the service and Claudia blurts out, "where are we taking the dead guy?" I hate to admit it, but Scott and I started to laugh. I guess it was a good relief from the sad emotions I was having.

Although, I have to say that Scott's response was strangely funny too. He said, "Well, we are taking the box that Mommy's grandpa is in to a place called a cemetery. We can visit him there."

That was it, no more explanation. I told him, "You need to elaborate on that." I just caught a glimpse of what her little mind must be thinking.... sitting and talking to him in the box?!?

However, I don't think that the more elaborate explanation is much better or less confusing. "We dig a hole. Place the box in the ground. Cover it up. Come later and visit the covered hole."

Again, she did not have any questions about the explanation. I guess when you're four you just take some things at face value.

Other than that the funeral went well. I miss my grandpa, but it was good to remember and celebrate what an amazing, loving, funny person he was.

Grandparents

I received some very sad news today. My maternal grandfather passed away this morning. He would have been 92-years-old in June. What a long life to witness an overwhelming number of changes in the world.

He lived his entire life in the same couple square miles of Minnesota. His grandfather, father and he all farmed the same land and raised dairy cows and other livestock. He farmed the fields with large teams of horses and later with massive columbines. He knew every square inch of that land. He was a good and kind caretaker to all his animals (a "softy," I would say).

The farm was my favorite place to go as a child. Some of my fondest memories were summers spent running around that farm, playing in the barn, feeding the calves, wandering the pastures, and leading the cows home from the pasture to the barn for milking. It was just about the closest thing to heaven to a little kid who spent most of the time in the city.

Nights my grandma and grandpa would pop popcorn and we would play Uno. I still think of having zero points in Uno as "a goose egg" as my grandma would say. I clearly remember laughing all night during those games. My grandpa had a great laugh and an easy sense of humor. I will miss him.

I must remind myself that I have been very fortunate. I had all my grandparents well into my 30s, not many people get to have such amazing people in their lives for that long; I lost my paternal grandfather almost 3 years ago.

I very deliberately use the word "lost" because it does feel like losing something that is irreplaceable. There is no other relationship like the one between a grandparent and grandchild--all love and nothing else.

It is a pleasure to watch my kids have this special relationship with their grandparents. They are incredibly lucky to have the grandparents that they do. All love and spoiling and no criticisms or expectations.

So, thank you Grandpa, rest well now.